Other Things That Most Parents Do That we Should Avoid

*Most of us have used threats, bribes, punishments, sarcasm, verbal overkill, and encouraged our children to lie when we are trying to teach our children.  In this blog I would like to discuss how these practices don't work, and often make things worse.  

When we use threats, we are actually inviting our children to repeat the act that we disapprove of.  

• Many times children see a threat as a dare.  If a child has self-respect he will have to show that he's not afraid of a dare.  
• An article from Psychology Today entitled "Why Threats Don't Work: Parenting Effectively" had a great example of this phenomena

"Ms. CHUA: This was amazing. I thought, oh, great, you know, it's just Lulu and me together. She's about 3. I can teach her to play the piano. And I sat her down on these comfortable pillows, and I said, look, Lulu, just play one note three times evenly.

• And Lulu and I are so similar in personality. She's a fireball. She decided that, instead, she would smash at the piano with both open palms. And so, we had a little back and forth that she just wouldn't do it and then she was kicking and screaming and thrashing. And finally, I said, you know what? I am determined to raise an obedient "Chinese" child. I took her, you know, to the front door and I said - it was a very cold day - and I said, now, if you don't stop screaming and if you don't behave, I am going to put you outside in the cold.
  She looked at me and she's 3 years old and she steps outside into the cold. And I start to panic, you know? The whole book is full of Lulu calling my bluff. I didn't think she would go out there. So I quickly said, okay, you're quiet now, come back in here. And she just shook her head and she wouldn't come in. I had to bribe her back in with hot chocolate and brownies . . .
  Ms. Chua is not a parent who backs down easily: that's one of the points of her memoir.  Lulu doesn't back down either.  This is a great example of how NOT to threaten your child.  Not only because of any emotional issues.  The threat didn't work.
  Although over the top, it's pretty typical of the kinds of threats used by parents who are either authoritarian or - SURPRISE! - permissive. 
  • The threat is extreme. 
  • It's not one the parent could carry out in good conscience. 
  • The child knows the parent won't do it and calls their bluff. 
  • The parent backs down."
  
  
   

Parents usually threaten, threaten and threaten and then never follow through.  And we shouldn't follow through because usually our threats are ridiculous.  We need to stop using threats.

Bribes are no good either.  Bribes are statements that go like, "If you do this, then you'll get this."  Sometimes bribes works in the short run.  They never help a child to learn to change behavior on a permanent level.

• Sometimes bribes encourage a child to misbehave, so that their parents will offer them something for behaving better.
• When children are rewarded for behavior, they actually do less of that behavior.
• Children will lose interest in doing things unless their is some kind of outside reward attached to an activity.  
• Bribes don't teach children values, and make it harder for parents to teach values. 

Promises should not be made to, or demanded from children.  If a parent has to make a promise to get a child to believe them, then that is like saying anything that doesn't come with a promise can't be trusted.

When a parent uses sarcasm, it makes it hard for children to hear us.  Sarcasm cuts our children down.  It makes our children want to get revenge.

Many times when we need to teach something, less is more.  We should use as few words as possible. This helps keep minor things from turning into major problems.  

How we can help keep our children from lying:

• Don't ask questions we already know the answer to. 
• For example, "Did you vacuum the house like I asked?"
• Don't punish a child when they tell you the truth.

*Ideas in this post are taken from
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. New York: Random House.